


don't

by crimson_rott



Category: General - Fandom, No Fandom
Genre: (?maybe), Anorexia, EDNOS, Eating Disorders, Headaches & Migraines, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Triggers, Violence, Vomiting, just had a positive thought, not really recovery, tiredness, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-18 04:47:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13092717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimson_rott/pseuds/crimson_rott
Summary: not really a story tbh. Just something to vent with (Kind of)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Soo yeah if you came for good content you should leave bc this is pretty bad. It has no plot whatsoever. (oh and english is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes) here's a link to the music i listened to while writing this shit: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLUrBkw9IYu0QEOMWBWk8C6_3hk1z-4Paf&jct=AbDu8-RJ00ZUmL3Rg0S8ewsg6MUcsg

This was  _bad_ she realized. Never in her entire life had she thought that it would come to this. Always thought that only dumb people can be like this, because how you can you be too stupid to eat? 

_Is it too much?_

No no no no. It was just a diet. Nothing more than a simple diet. Yeah she was thin but loosing a bit more weight wouldn't hurt anyone. Right? It's always  _more_. Seeing the number go up even the slightest made her feel sick. 

> "A few months ago you had eaten without a care in the world"

_Because I threw it all up._ Pushing vomit to the plughole in the shower with your feet was disgusting.  _She_ was disgusting. With those fat thighs.

**jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.**

That's all her body did. It jiggled. Surrounded by fat. She was just a fat piggy with no self control.

After a few months it hit her like a thousand ton truck. 

_This is not normal._

She wanted to stop after the realization hit her. But she couldn't. Always thinking about food. It was too late.

> "You could die due organ failure. This disorder kills millions of people"

And oh she knew. But, as I said, it was too late. She was like a walking corpse. A human with no desire to live. But a suicide like this doesn't seem like a suicide at all. It's a suicide that says that the person didn't know but they know  _everything._ It was like these months had sucked all of her will to live out of her. No, this disorder has sucked all of her will to live out of her. 

She was tired. So, so tired. Never sleeping enough because the hunger has taken the best of her. "No more than 500calories" she told herself.Every single day.

**emptyness. Why is it all so black.**

White walls welcomed her. They asked so many questions and she was so tired of them.

_please let me be._

Anorexia Nervosa. It has sucked her in so much that hospital visits were normal. Therapy was normal. But she never talked. 

> "How are you feeling today?'

Tired. As always. But she never said it of course because they wanted to take it away from her. They wanted to take away her purpose. Without that disorder she would be six feet under the ground by now.

**one**

breathe.

**two.**

breathe.

**three.**

and it was  _finally_ over. Finally peace.

* * *

XY BORN ON XX.XX.XXXX

DIED AT 1.01.2018 DUE HEART FAILURE

 

 


	2. no more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> man idk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another one http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLUrBkw9IYu0Ry-b_p7HteTE4MccEp8n8O

**10PM**

She was tired. She should go to sleep. So she stood up, brushed her teeth and layed down to sleep.

**11PM**

Tick, tick tick.

> _wait clocks go tick tock. Why doesn't this one go tick tock._

She just wanted to rest. To finally be at peace. Maybe reading could help?

**1AM**

It doesn't. Warm milk with honey. That will do it,  _right?_

It didn't. 

Wide awake she laid there listening to white noise. 

> _sleep sleep sleep. It's already the third day. please_

She wanted it so badly. 

**3AM**

Back to reading again. Her head was throbbing and she was sweating. 

> _why is it like this. I only drank water today. I even ate._

She couldn't even focus enough to read and understand one full sentence. It was a mess. Feeling dizzy and seeing her whole room spin made it even messier. 

She had to pee. 

> _don't wake them up. They would only say it's because of your phone. They don't realized that you've put it away hours ago._

Drinking a bit of water made her feel like her brain was rotting.

**4AM**

> _the throbbing is gone._

Maybe now. At 4.30AM, she will find some peace.

**5AM**

Finally sleeping. She will be upset when she Wales up at 6am. Like every other day. 

* * *

It was always no less then one and no more than 5. Not even on weekends. Never. And slowly she was running out of patience for this life long torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> try to sleep. Maybe it will come to you peacefully.


	3. Flower beds and altars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for vomiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLUrBkw9IYu0QpCY0ko3NxYBnZRZ1xG3mk

_it's so hot._

She was sweating like crazy, despite being in a cold room. Her mouth fehlt dry and her lips chapped. She decided to turn on the light and to get some water. 

On.

_NO!NO!NO!_

_Turn it off it hurts so bad. My head screams don't do this to me._

Off.

Breaking in a could sweat and feeling sick to her stomach she got up and made her way to the kitchen in the dark.

Three gulps and her throat felt better. There was a weird throbbing above her right eyebrow which was hard to ignore but she tried nonethless. Laying down in her bed again she tired to sleep. 

_why is it so hot. I am sweating to much and no no don't do this to me._

Running to the toilet she emptied out her stomach contents. Gross. Carefully standing up and turning on the bathroom light she felt this pain again.

_Turn it off! IT HURTS_

She swayed slightly and the last thing she felt was hitting the bathroom floor.

* * *

**"Good morning. How are you feeling?"**

She didn't know that voice. What was she supposed to answer?

_like i am dying. My head is killing me._

Not even daring to open her eyes she rolled over. 

**"It seems that you have a migraine. So we would advice to stay in the dark and take these pills".**

Oh. Boo hoo. 

_don't even dare to complain. Fucking puke all over the plac_ _e if you need to._

Slowly and carefully she opened her eyes. Big mistake. A sharp pain hit her and she vomited. Again. She hated vomiting. Sure, watching others vomit was far more disstressing since she would get a full blown panic attack but this wasn't nice either. 

**" Oh no worries we'll clean that up. Please take your medicine now and try to rest. In two hours a nurse will check on your head injury and your overall condition."**

Just a simple groan legt her mouth. Searching with her hand over the nightstand she found no pills. The, oh so kind, nurse helped her.

_why me. I just wanted some rest and now this shit. A migraine. What a fucking joke. Bet my parents are surely worried._

A snort did leave her mouth as she thought about her parents. Never once in her whole life were they seriously worried about her.

* * *

 

As she was home again she thought about it.

_I would rather die due a heart attack than to life this hell for more than 5 years._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so tired just let me rest. Please.


	4. and I'm here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love you so so much.

Sometimes, no most times I think that I don't deserve you.

You care so much about me and I was so oblivious.

I never understood the concept of love, of caring. I know that this is in no way something romantic for you. I know it'll never be and I don't feel bad about that. 

You're like family to me.  _No_ more than family.

 **Soulmates**.

Yeah. That sounds nice. 

But I never could tell you. How thankful I am that you exist. 

You would find it weird. Saying something along the lines 

> "That's just want friends do"

But I could  _never_ take this, take you, for granted.

You, who gave me so much. I wish so deeply that I could return it in anyway. 

Deep inside I know that you never cared as much as I wish you would.

Regardless. I am so thankful. 

For the loving I got when you said that you just  _care._ About this. About me.

You once meant the world for me. 

I don't think you still do.

But there is still  _something_ inside me that makes me so thankful. For the years.

I wish I could promise that it will be alright.

But to be completly honest, I don't think it will.

I can't escape from this hell and I don't  _want_ to.

I am so sorry to tell that I have given up. I found no reason for this to continue.

Not a single one.

I know that you thought that I was stronger. 

But please if I die. Don't blame anyone but me.

I was at fault for not accepting help.

**_I am so so sorry._ **

**_Please forgive me._ ** __

* * *

_It happened so sudden and no one suspected it. A heart attack and she was dead._

_Everyone thought it was accident._

_That she didn't knew she could die._

_Because in the end she'd wished that it was in accident too._

_And not months of planning._

_Of thinking: 'How far do I have to go?'_

_In the end she'd probably regret it._

_Because who wouldn't want to see the sun rise as a little reminder that there is hope._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided to end it on a good note despite having a pretty bad day today.


	5. New chains, same shackles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violence warning.

I want to break her apart.

Rip her stomach open and feel the skin breaking under my touch.

I want to  _see_ her guts coming out. Her agonizing screams of pain. I want her to feel the pain she gave me.

It's not my fault I turned out like this.

It's her fault. Perhaps a bit of his fault too, but mainly hers.

Him. I want to spoon his eyes out. Just pop them out so he no longer has to see her disgusting face. 

I want all them to suffer. 

I want to break their bones. Every single one.

Slowly.

But they shouldn't die. They don't deserve this Form of peace.

I do. But not them.

They never noticed my little cries for help. They never noticed the dent in my wall.

I am so full of wrath and I don't know why.

I guess it's a way of coping with stress. But who really knows?

Forcing me into therapy isn't gonna work  _mom._

I can't talk to you about my concers. I have no one to vent to.

You want to know what I do?

I punch my room walls so hard my knuckles start to swell and turn a weird shade of blue.

And honestly I don't hate being like this. Because maybe this  _thing_ will actually push me far enough to finally have the courage to die. 

I don't want this life but you're too dumb to realize that. You just think that I have it under control. That I don't really have an eating disorder.

I don't even know anymore if I really want to live.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will talk to a friend on monday. Maybe it'll help.

**Author's Note:**

> this was it. It's pretty bad lmao. Just had to let it out so probably gonna delete in a few weeks.


End file.
